My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.