I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.

Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.

I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.

One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.