I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.