A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.