Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.