Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?