I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Some dead people said smart stuff.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.