Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?