Everyone I love I pay.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.