I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

Everyone I love I pay.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?