You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.