You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.