It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.