If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!