Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.