Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.
Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.