The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?