The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?