The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

Valuable people are undervalued.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.