When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.