They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'