It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.