My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.