My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?