My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?