What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.