What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Everyone I love I pay.