I become a chameleon for wherever I am.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.