My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.