It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.