Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.