Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?