Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.