Ninety-seven saint days a year wouldn't affect the theater, but two Yom Kippurs would ruin it.

Critics are like eunuchs; they can tell you what to do, but they can't do it themselves!

A pedestrian ought to be legally allowed to toss at least one hand grenade at a motorist every day.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

I cannot imagine any crime worse than taking a life, can you? -It'd depend whose life.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.