We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

I was such a weird kid. The really hardcore stuff like Venom - I was totally aware of them, and I listened to some of it - but they actually frightened me.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

Metal is easily my favorite thing - Exodus and Anthrax and Megadeth - so it just kind of organically came through in the standup act.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.