I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.

Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

I wanted to be a vet before I got into comedy, but then once I found out how much gore goes into that job, I wanted nothing to do with it.