If I want to be up for an Academy Award, I'm either going to have to play a tour de force of some kind or have a tracheotomy just before the nominations.

I regret that I do not have the dignity of Ricardo Montalban, the class of Dean Martin, or the humor of Bill Cosby. I do have the heart of a lion.

Money doesn't buy happiness. It buys great hookers - but not happiness.

I'm paying the third highest alimony and child support in the world. And the only two ahead of me are sheiks.

The moment you grab someone by the lapels, you're lost.

I can tell a young person where the mines are, but he's probably going to step on them anyway.

I'm really much more like Phil Potter from [the 1979 film] Starting Over. People do think I'm the Bandit [from Smokey and the Bandit ], and I'm a lot more serious than that.