You know, I used to say, when people say, 'How do you think about what to write about in the poems every week?' And I say, 'Well, I have to turn it in on Monday, so on Sunday nights I turn the shower to iambic pentameter and it sort of works out that way.'

Money not spent on a luxury one considered even briefly is the equivalent of windfall income and should be spent accordingly.

I like chili, but not enough to discuss it with someone from Texas.

We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. So it sort of selects itself. It has to. And plus, often something that wouldn't be funny at the time is okay to make jokes about later.

Being on a book tour is a lot easier than reporting.