In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while his article is still on the presses.

The price of purity is purists.

There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. So it sort of selects itself. It has to. And plus, often something that wouldn't be funny at the time is okay to make jokes about later.

I do remember in high school I wanted to be a disc jockey.

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Health food makes me sick.