Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn't get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

I never, nor will I, put another person down to feel better about myself. I will live and die by what I do, not what anyone else thinks about me.

The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them.