Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.

The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away.