I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie - the networks just wouldn't spend the money today.

If you want to know the feeling [of labor pain], just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

The audience is never wrong.

I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.

You do have to love your kids enough to let them hate you. But it's the disease that's hating you, not them.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.

It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.