Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.

I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance, because that is not journalism.

I think of myself as kind of a hippy. Everyone around me says that's not the impression they get. They think I'm sassy. Apparently, I think I'm nicer than I really am.

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

I'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years, so, we finally made it, straight people.

Hillary has her work cut out for her. Her Democratic challengers are a 'Who's Who' of 'who's that?' Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks... now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. You didn't even notice, did you?

Paris is so beautiful. Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime.