I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance, because that is not journalism.

I went [to Hobby Lobby] this morning and bought the cutest little wicker basket to hold all my morning-after pills.

You have to put work into relationships to keep them fun.

Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.

Paris is so beautiful. Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime.

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

The founders of Snapchat last year turned down a $3 billion offer from Facebook and a $4 billion offer from Google. It was a surprising show of integrity from the guys who invented the app that lets you look at pictures of boobs for five seconds.