If somebody hits you with an object you should beat the hell out of them.

These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.

Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex.

I'm still going to Disney World.

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

I don't know what that gas is made of, but it can't smell any worse than Ernie Johnson 's gym bag.

He's got to bring something stronger than that. That's like bringing milk to a bar, it's not strong enough