David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.