No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.