Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.