I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

My life and my legs have been an open book.