I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.