I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.