Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.