If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.