If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

Absolutely I'm going to be talking about it, because it's in the zeitgeist and it's happening. It's an election year. It's the biggest election. Every election is a big election, so whenever anybody says that it kinds of grates me, but it's a fiasco. It's turned into a complete circus act, so of course you have to make fun of it, but responsible journalists definitely are being irresponsible. They're giving [Donald Trump] so much air time.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.