If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.