Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.