At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.