If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.