My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's for everybody. People are liked and disliked, but at least be mindful of what you're doing and what your message is, and trying to stay true to your authenticity and what you're trying to attain or what your goals are, and don't let anybody get in the way of that. At the same time, have a goal, and have a message.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.