I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.