Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.