I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.