I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.