Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

You want to do something a little bit meaningful, because we're not saving the planet or anything, but we want to contribute in a positive way, in a way that makes a difference or makes somebody feel something.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.